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The Cost

I was often found holding myself in the fetal position, more times than I would like to admit. I was completely over ridden with deep angst in my spirit. Depression liked to seep in every crevice of my heart and spirit, and try as I may, I couldn't beat the dread of it. I'd be obsessively, consumed with thoughts of what could be the next step or strategy. Trying to come up with a battle plan and be prepared for it, in hopes their ( the car insurance company) attempted hits and annihilation of my care and credibility wouldn't be such a big blow. But even still the tiredness, anxiety and just the heaviness and woes would become too overbearing and I'd crumble into tears.

I'd question myself over and over. "At what cost are you willing to give your peace? Is it even worth it?" And yet I felt like I was held in this horrible catch 22 vice grip, I felt trapped. If I tapped out and bowed out of it, I wouldn't be able to afford my treatments, then what? How was I going to get further motion forward and get more pieces back of my life? How would my family make it? It felt like this huge mountain that had no ending. Me and my husband would make a pros and cons list, we would go round and round in circles, ending up at the beginning and realizing that we had to push through and fight back to make things work.

Many different practitioners had encouraged me to keep fighting and pushing back, to not let them win. But over time the fight left in us, became less and less. My husband was now dealing with high anxiety having to deal with the out of the blue phone calls and intense conversations, as well as the emails that came barreling at us. Our evenings, date nights and weekends often consisted of us making game plans and planning out our next combat. All encompassing and all consuming. We prayed and prayed, asking God about direction and how to handle these tough situations and we trusted and put one foot in front of the other, step by step. We both felt this weight of responsibility of trying to help others that are also in the thick of it, as well as making our voices heard so that maybe awareness would eventually cause an uprising of change. We contacted news outlets, I put feelers out to see if others wanted to band together and fight with us.

I had this vision of interviewing individuals and their families that have been negatively impacted by the car insurance company and wanted to use a more creative approach by doing it all by video. I wanted to make it so that it was something beautiful and relatable to watch, so others could connect to the person and their story. There were many written news reports on horrific situations but I felt like readers would read it and think, "that sucks," and carry on, without fully getting to truly see and know the heart of the individual. I had a big response of people willing to share their stories, but I felt disappointed in myself. My body and mind couldn't quite tackle this massive undertaking, while in the midst of fighting for my own health, along with the bumps I dealt with along the way.

With the mandatory IME ( independent medical examiner) meeting fast approaching, I felt anger rise up within me. Regardless of my family doctor signing that coerced letter, he chose to back me and write notes for continued treatments, which meant I had what was necessary to keep getting coverage. This company wants you completely out of their system, so they will keep hunting down and paying off doctors to side with them, to get what they want to hear, even if it's not truth. This meeting was a sabotage and I already knew what was going to come of it, but we still tried our best to be positive. The adjuster kept on trying to reassure us and say it was a third party perspective, fresh eyes to help give direction. There was this feisty, spiteful bit in me that only wanted to show up and have the IME do his testings, read the medical evidence from my specialists, but keep silent and just be a body there for him to give his apparent third party perspective. I had to eventually work through those feelings and knew I had to be ready for the interrogation questions that would be a large portion of this meeting.


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