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She’s Dead

Months had past and I received a phone call from my lawyers letting me know that they received the official report from the specialist that I had seen and that they forwarded me a copy to my email. I quickly grabbed my laptop and saw the email. I took a deep breath and opened up the attachment. To my surprise it was thirty one pages long with the first four pages being all of his credentials.

I read his words. “Little to no improvement in her condition is to be expected in the foreseeable future….” “ It is most unlikely Ms. Wiebe’s chronic musculoskeletal pain will resolve completely and she will return to pre-MVA status.” These words were peppered throughout his report and reading them over and over was the most crushing hardest thing, it broke me. All of my hope sank to completely nothing, the list of issues and dysfunctions just kept on going. Spinopelvic Ring Dysfunction. Malalignment Syndrome. Si Joint Dysfunction. Myofascial pain. Nociplastic pain. And the list went on and on. He stated in his report that I was in the small percentage of people with a condition that no matter the conventional treatments, my body would not respond. It was nice to understand why all of my efforts kept on failing and not working but sucked knowing that my body just wouldn't receive the treatments.

In the past when I felt really low, I allowed myself to feel the feels and then picked myself up and carried on, but as hard as I tried, the tools and tricks weren’t working this time. The usual one to two weeks of lows, carried on and on. Everything looked like it was in black and white and nothing was in color anymore. I tried to will myself into feeling more normal and tried to have visits with friends but all I ended up doing was crying the whole time. I was a complete and utter wreck. I had never understood depression before and thought that it was a choice to be happy or sad, but experiencing my lows throughout this time and now on an even deeper low, I now understood it on a personal level.

The pre-accident Keana was dead and gone. She will never be again. All of these years I had fought so hard for her, trying to run back to being her again and now with knowing what I knew now about my body’s condition, I would never see her again. The weight and grief of just that alone was more than what my heart could bare. I had to grieve her death. I knew that I needed help and reached out to a Counsellor and started full time counseling. Putting work and time into yourself takes so much energy and effort. I constantly struggled with feeling selfish because of trying all of the different treatments over the years and working on my body had already been a full time job and now dealing with the mental/emotional side of things on top of that.

My pain had gotten out of control and so my husband suggested finding a chiropractor to hopefully do an adjustment and help bring the pain down a notch. I found someone that could see me right away. When I made it to his office, I filled out the paperwork and just said, “Look it. I know I’ve got a lot of issues but I recently got a diagnosis of SI Joint Dysfunction and some other things and was hoping that you could just give me a little relief. I’m not here thinking you’ll be able to fix me or to go on a regular program, I just need an adjustment.” He rolled his eyes when I said Si Joint Dysfunction and interrupted me and said, ”We‘ll see about that.” I should have known that I was going to be met with backlash especially since I had been warned by the specialist. He told me he wanted to hear my story which was irritating to me because I was in a lot of pain and was tired of explaining things. I tried to do a quick run down and he interrupted me again and said, “Interesting that you remember all of the details so well.” Which I replied, "I've had to repeat this over and over for years, so ya I’m good at the details." He told me to lay on the bed and he started to twist and yank my legs which really hurt but what hurt even more was him pushing really hard on my pelvis. “Does that feel any better?” He asks. “No.” I said irritated. He twisted my ankles in another direction, “How about now?” “No” he stopped, sighed and said “Look here, I don’t know you or your body. You need to be more patient with me. Ugh, now I'm behind and you made me go over time. Go wait in the hall and I’ll try dealing with you in a bit.” I was mad. All I wanted was relief and this arrogant chiropractor that thought he knew everything and was trying to show me up, ramped up my pain even more. I went outside and called my husband in agony. As I paced the floors I explained what had happened and he told me to get out of there. I paid, which I wish I hadn’t because he didn’t even do anything to help, and left.

The specialist had found a senior physiotherapist that met his requirements and specifications for my care and so off to Victoria for regular physio we went. When I met the physiotherapist, I asked her questions about my condition and was curious if she’d give me the same spiel as all of the others, which always included time lines of hope and possibility. She, on the other hand, was a straight shooter and didn’t sugar coat it. She told me that she had another client with similar issues and that it is lifelong and something that I would have to deal with and work at for the rest of my life. There were no fluffed up words, which I was oddly grateful for.


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