Defined by no man, you are your own story,
blazing through the world, turning history into her story.
And when they dare to tell you about all the things you cannot be, you smile and tell them,
"I am both war and woman and you cannot stop me"
-Nikita Gill
I needed to take back my power, or more importantly we needed to. When a powerful government run company has endless funds and resources, you don’t stand a chance. We fought with everything we had in us. But there comes a point when you are faced with the hard facts. The cost is too heavy and it almost strips you down to a naked nothingness. Like when you watch in the movies, the actor that’s lost in the desert, stumbling around. Their lips are cracked and dry, their voice is a hoarse whisper and are searching so desperately for water but keep fumbling and falling, unable to stand upright and barely crawl to get a drop of water. Desperation and mirages that dangle the carrots to hopeful possibilities of survival. That’s what it has felt like dealing with ICBC. But mix in a bit of paranoia because they are known for following you without your knowledge, and add into the mix a chunk of fear because how the heck are you supposed to afford your health appointments on your own, when we live in crazy times and the cost of gas, food and daily living expenses are through the roof!
My appointment at the pain clinic was necessary but oh so painfully brutal. The test consisted of these super long needles that reach and hit all the way down to the bone, with no freezing - no nothing. It’s like willingly being on a torcher chamber. The needles are connected to these rod things that he jiggles around to make sure are in correct place. My body was in writhing pain, I’m sure if someone had taken my picture at that time- my veins and eyeballs would’ve been popping out. I instinctively kicked up my legs from the excruciating piercing pain and the pain specialist says, “You probably shouldn’t do that again because the next time, you may not be walking out of this room once we’re done.” Not quite the calming compassionate words that I needed. I dug my hands and squeezed that table as hard as I possibly could, to try and steady myself and not flinch as the next two needles were placed. I hollered and screamed, tears mixed with sweat rolling down my face, trying to catch my breath and consoling myself thinking it’s almost over. Now the finale of the test, the freezing is now administered to my facet joints and if I get a significant amount of relief, then the test is positive. But if none or next to no change in pain happens, then it’s a negative. I will know this within the next five minutes.
It took me a second to catch my breath once everything was said and done, the release of tears from the amount of stress and pain my body abruptly experienced was overwhelming for me. Once I had a good cry, I let them know I was ready and was put into a wheelchair and wheeled into the adjacent room to be monitored by a fun, peppy older male nurse who loved to crack jokes and tell stories. He was great at his job and I appreciated him being a ray of sunshine in the midst of a hard test. We talked for a bit and then he asked about my pain, but no amazing pain relief came. I tested negative. Regardless, this was an important finding as I needed to know if I was on the right track with my physiotherapy journey or if we needed to switch my routine and target it in a different way. The pain specialist came in, asked me the same question and relayed the already established test finding as negative. And then he proceeded to tell me that he felt that a chunk of my issues are due to a herniated disc ( in his opinion) and there was nothing that he could do for me. He told me that he won’t be doing any therapeutic treatments and that he wasn’t willing to do anymore tests on me, but that this was my life and I had to figure out how to live with it. Then he recommended a specific book to me. He said that as soon as he read it, he knew he had to tell me about it.
I think at this point with the amount of “ I can’t help you” or “there’s nothing I can do” conversations, maybe I’d have thicker skin and not feel the heavy defeat of those words. But I don’t, it’s a massive blow every time. I’ve built a phenomenal team and know that this isn’t my end all, it’s just devastating when you wished and hoped that there was something so much more that the medical/doctor world could offer. The thought of a quick fix slipping from my grasp, imagined up and still nowhere to be seen.
As soon as I got home, I ordered the recommended book, "Back In Control" by David Hanscom. I received it within the week and got to reading it. I smiled as I read each recommendation in the book, because if you’ve been with me from the beginning of my blog, you’d see my discoveries and how I’ve figured out certain things to help propel me along the way, and pretty well all of the things that I’ve lived by, are the things he recommends! To name a few:
Be honest with yourself
Find a creative outlet
Stress management
The list goes on. But the one thing that I felt in my deepest inner self, is the stress that whirls me around from ICBC and how it sets me back. He even writes about this very topic, how insurance companies and health don’t mix well and the toxic stress sets you back in your healing. Yes, so much yes! It felt good to get confirmation and I had to sit Brandon down and have a conversation.
We decided that if the report from the paid off IME came back and it stripped me of my team, the people that are known for my forward motion, then we cut all ties with the insurance company and we walk away. It wouldn’t be easy to do, because the costs out of pocket are over a thousand dollars a month, but the ultimate goal in all of this was/is to get me a better quality of life and to live with lesser pain. We knew that regardless of the report, the fight, games and abuse would never end until we said enough. Believe me, we beat that thing with every “what if” card you could think of, including our big play with having my new Physiatrist. The new Physiatrist wasn’t what I had expected and our relationship was very fresh. If I brought her into the ICBC vortex, I’d be risking my health and possible future avenues with her. I knew it all too well, wrecked relationships with doctors that were annoyed with the ICBC games that sank their limited time into paper work, and I couldn’t put myself through that again.
The wait was on and the anticipation and sliver of hope that maybe this IME would be honest and be what a doctor should be, rather than a pawn in the ICBC scheme, it would soon be evident. But if not, we were trying to prepare ourselves and take back the power, with our heads held high.
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