Throughout the years, I had obsessively played and replayed the car accident over and over in my head, not to mention I also had to talk it through numerous times with doctors, practitioners, lawyers, etc. I tried to figure out what I could've done different, and how I could better prepare myself for the future in case I was up against another one. No matter how many times I played it over and over again, I always came to the same conclusion that the only way this could've been avoided is if I hadn't gone out that day.
This one day I was having a massage, I was laying face down on the bed and my massage therapist said, "I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I wanted to ask you a question." She paused for a second and hesitated. She quietly asked, "Keana, do you blame yourself for this accident?" I laid there, with my face pressed into the open faced massage pillow, and that's when I just blurted out, "Yes, yes, I do." It was the first time that I had really, truly been honest with myself and as those words escaped my mouth, I wept. I cried so much that there was literally a puddle of tears on the floor. My massage therapist came, wrapped her arms around me and held me and cried along with me and kept on repeating, "It's not your fault."
I hadn't realized how much I was holding inside and how unbeknownst to me, I believed this. Being really honest with yourself is really hard sometimes and admitting untruths we believe about ourselves or situations feels even harder, especially when we say them out loud. There is this quote by Jennie Allen that I just really love and it goes like this:
Bring someone in to all of the darkness, all of the places
where you are scared to say
And say the last 2%, the thing you're embarrassed to say
The last 2% that we hold back from everybody,
that's the stuff that we think is going to ruin us,
But that's also the place that God wants to move into
Throughout this whole time, I would go back and forth with myself, wrestling in my spirit at how much to say to people of what was really going on with me and what to just hold onto and keep to myself. I think we often do this, thinking that we are almost wearing an internal badge of honor at how much we've held inside of ourselves. Thinking that not complaining or just dealing with it on our own without bringing others in, is some sort of accomplishment. When really it can be more damaging. Holding all of your stuff inwards, doesn't help you, it eventually catches up and spills over into a ball of mess. I'm a huge believer in "feeling the feels,”as you may have read in a few posts in. I came to this place of being super honest with myself but now I was at a place of how to be honest with others too.
"How are you?" may not feel like a very big deal to ask someone but if you are asking someone who is going through a complicated health journey, a big hardship in their life, or whatever else, it's a loaded question. I often feel like a big fake and phony when I give the classic, "I'm doing good. How are you?" It feels really not genuine at all, especially when I have a rough week or night prior to them asking. I've often got brave at different points in time and just laid it all out to the poor unsuspecting person on the receiving side of this question. I'm not sure how to make the switch and I often catch myself asking,"How are you?" to people and wish I hadn't. It's like asking something nonchalant in our culture, when it really is a deep question. I, on the other hand, am someone who enjoys getting to know a person on a one on one deep level and so I really do want to know how a person is REALLY doing. Whether it be really great or really bad or anything in between. I've tried to make the switch, especially when I know when someone is going through something hard and I just say, "It's nice to see you." That way I'm acknowledging them and letting them know that I see them and made an effort but not asking a hard question where they feel they have to squeeze out a smile and say, "I'm good," when they actually aren't. One of my friends, who also struggles with chronic pain, told me that she will say, “How is your pain?” in place of “How are you?” to those she knows is suffering in pain. Honestly, it may feel like something small to those that don’t live in this type of world on a day to day basis, and I’m still working out the kinks in my life. Another wise friend told me, “You get to decide, who gets how much of you.“
Then there are days that I completely don’t want to acknowledge the pain and the suffering. I like to pretend that I’m normal and like everyone else. I don’t want to talk about any of my pain or what I’m working on. That way my brain isn’t hyper focused on the pain and I’m trying to be present and in the moment. I may have had to take pain meds to make it to an event or I may be in a whole whack load of pain and just trying to distract myself and block it out. It’s a tricky thing navigating ongoing pain. You don’t really have a handbook on pain etiquette and just fly by the seat of your pants. I think one of the hardest things and what I absolutely don’t want is pity. I just want understanding. I may have to go to plan “B” instead or last minute cancel plans, or cut my time short or pass on certain activities. I hate feeling like a flaky friend because I like to be all in or nothing at all, but I’ve had to learn how to navigate this and I’m still learning.
Don't get me wrong though. I do honestly feel like there is a fine line of continually wallowing in our despair and constantly complaining about it and just solely expressing truthful honest feelings. I think that's the ticket to all of this. People don't want to be labeled the "complainer" and so they don't know how else to express it and so they put on this mask and façade of unrealistic living. I had spoken to a psychologist about how much I worried so much about how others perceived me or how they took my intentions and meanings of things, that I was constantly apologizing and evaluating what I said or didn't say. She told me, "Keana, however you say or do something and however the receiving person perceives it, is on them. You know in your heart what you mean behind your actions and words and that's all that matters." It was a huge "AHA" moment for me. We can't constantly live in the worry of what or how others think or perceive things, just release it and you know your intentions and if clarity needs to be done, than the person will ask for it. I'm unfortunately a struggling people pleaser and really have a hard time letting it go, but when I remember these words it helps!
This one day, I was finishing up my massage appointment and my RMT looked at me and said, "From now on, I'm not charging you for your appointments. Let me do this for you." I tried to argue with her but as one of my wiser friends said to me, "It's God's kiss upon you. Receive the gift." Such a gift, especially at that point in time when our finances were really tight.
Comentários