Sabotage

I received a package in the mail that entailed all of the pain clinic information along with my start date. When the day came for me to go to the pain clinic, I told myself that I needed to keep an open mind and give this avenue the best of me that I could.

I walked up to the window to check in and was handed this blue paper and was told to take a seat along with everyone else waiting to get into the program. I was the youngest person sitting there which made me feel a little out of place. We were all ushered into this room that looked more like a school room, which seemed weird being at the hospital and having this space. It had all of these long tables with chairs, a projector, and the program director. We had to watch this whole power point presentation along with a video, which explained what pain was and how it affects the brain and body. It was all stuff that I had already learned about before. When it was all getting wrapped up to be done, the program director announced that all of those with blue papers were only eligible for certain parts of the pain program and those with a pink paper had the whole package which included access to the pain doctors. She mentioned that if anyone had any issues or questions with the color of their paper to come and see her.

I felt sabotaged by my nurse practitioner and felt like she jipped me purposely. I know our relationship wasn't the greatest but to say that this struck a chord in me, would be an understatement. I patiently waited in line to speak to the program director and told her how I wanted access to the pain doctors too. She told me that she would personally review my files and if it seemed like there was a discrepancy with what my nurse practitioner put down compared to what I really needed, that I would get a call from her. Sure enough, I got a phone call to have a one on one sit down with the her.

When I sat in her office, she told me that what my nurse practitioner put down didn't match with what I've been going through. We talked for awhile and I told her about the book that I went through already that had this picasso type face on the front (I wrote about it in this post https://www.petiteflower.net/post/is-there-a-doctor-in-the-house). She got up and grabbed that exact book and told me that the whole pain program was based off of that very book, and that I was very advanced with my knowledge and what I had already done compared to everyone else. We went through my whole journey of each practitioner and everything that I had already worked hard on. She told me that she'd be willing to put me through to the pain clinic doctors but they wouldn't really have any answers for me, just pain injections and access to pain medication. I was grateful for her willingness to help me but that wasn't what I was after. I didn't want a band-aid, I wanted answers and help to get fully better. We tossed around ideas and different avenues to try and she told me that if I wanted to keep doing the pain program stuff, than I was more than welcome to but she understood that I was beyond it at that point.

I think the most shocking thing for me to hear from all of this was that most people after one year of not getting better, just give up and go to the pain clinic and that's what they receive as their fate. In my mind, we are living in a day where there are self driving cars and some prototype flying cars, if we can live in a time with that type of advancement there had to be a way for me to get my body back to some degree. I know the body is complex but there had to be at least some sort of answer for me out there and I wasn't willing to give up on it yet.

My appointment for the diagnostic injection finally came and we were off to Vancouver to get the procedure done. We pulled up to one of my favorite restaurants to eat at and that's when I received a call from the private clinic telling me that the anesthesiologist was sick and unable to make it. They were doing everything they could to get an on call to fill in his place, but that there was a big possibility it could get canceled. Our hearts sunk and I cried with worry and disappointment. It wasn't easy getting to this appointment in the first place and to line up another time, felt like a bunch more hurdles to jump through. We sat in the vehicle and just prayed and prayed and then surrendered the outcome to God and went and enjoyed ourselves with good food. Thankfully, we got the call that they found a back up (thank you, Lord).

When we arrived at the clinic, Brandon and the girls waited in the vehicle while I had the procedure done, as Brandon isn't so good with needles and they don't allow anyone with you. Needles are not my favorite thing, especially needles that are close to my spine. There were about four people along with me in this tiny little room that had this massive CT machine. I laid face down on this hard surface, wearing a hospital gown. They told me that I couldn't even move a millimeter and had to stay completely still for the procedure. It took a bit of time while they marked the spots and then the time came for the freezing. I was trying to be brave and was clenching my fists. This sweet nurse came up to me and said, "You can hold my hand if you'd like." I gladly took her up on her offer and squeezed her hand and tried to refrain from flinching even slightly. I exhaled once they told me they were done that part and started with the procedure. I started to feel this really intense pain and let them know what I was feeling. "What? You can feel that?" He said. They had to then redo the whole freezing act all over again, as it wasn't enough. I wasn't suppose to feel anything at that point.

When all was said and done, they put me in a wheel chair and the anesthesiologist walked along side of me and asked me how I felt. I told him that I felt like a million bucks! I hadn't felt this good in forever. "Wow, really? Well, maybe this is it. Maybe it really is SI Joint Dysfunction," he said. I was taken back a little and parts of me were relieved for a possible answer and the other part was a little scared because I knew the fate of that diagnosis. With all of the hours of research that I had done, there wasn't really a cure for this condition and many have had to suffer with it for the rest of their lives. All I knew in that moment, was that I wasn't feeling the intense pain that I had been in for years and it felt so friggen good! As part of their procedure, I had to stay at the clinic for another half hour to see how my body responded. They laid me down on a hospital bed and I couldn't have been more happier in that moment. I laid there for the first time on my back without having to shift positions from the agonizing pain that would surge throughout my body, it was all calm and normal. I felt normal.