Pause

I plugged away and worked hard at my physiotherapy at home and in office, it felt so good to get progress, but I also have honestly struggled with my drive and push to keep going and working at things. It gets tiring to constantly be heading from one appointment to the next, putting a lot of time and effort at home working at things and then constantly having to be so aware of my body and it being a non stop conversational piece. I’ve gotten angry with myself because I know that this isn’t the time to slack off especially because I’ve finally found someone that knows how to deal with my body.

It’s like I had been drowning for so long and constantly got hit with wave after wave that plummeted me around in these deep waters, with not being able to know which way was up. Now I’ve finally got beached on land, gasping for air, but instead of getting up and sprinting to the finish line, I feel like I’m barely crawling or able to lift my head up at times. It’s hard. I sometimes just wish I could curl up in a ball and hibernate for a bit and then emerge and keep going, but I know that only would set me back and cause more pain because I need the constant physio exercises to keep my body in check and to keep it from going backwards. I just have no other choice but to keep pushing and fighting.

These dips in the road for motivation, cause me to need little pick me ups or self bribery to sweeten things for me. ( I wrote a little bit about this in my tips and tricks post https://www.petiteflower.net/post/my-tips-and-tricks). I’ll often plan to do photography or do a girls night out dinner with friends. I’ll find creative things to do like a garden party and I’ll dream it up, enjoying the creative process of planning it and then execute it. It makes a difference for me and helps me to look forward to things in the future, even if it flares my pain up, I need it.

I decided that I would buy some flower seeds and give gardening a try again. It had been close to six years of not being able to garden and I was super excited to see if I was at a point that I could handle it. I can be a bit of a dreamer at times and sometimes have unrealistic expectations, which was the case for the garden. I failed miserably and couldn't keep up. My husband knew how much gardening meant to me and what a boost of joy it is for me to look out of the window and see flowers. He decided to plant four rows of dahlias just for me, and has continued to do so every year since! He takes care of it all and I feel like the luckiest woman to have a man that goes out of his way to do something that can be time consuming and needs a lot of care and attention.

I have to stop sometimes and pause, look back at the hurdles and challenges that I have overcome and see how far I've made it. Isn't it funny how as humans we lose sight of what the past was and we often forget where we were. Impatience and just wanting the instant fix, sometimes overtakes me. But the pause, that's where it's at, reminding myself how proud I should be at how hard I've worked and how I have made it to the point that I am at right now.