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The Unexpected

Updated: Jan 9, 2022

It was one of those monumental moments in my life and in our marriage. I begrudgingly took the pregnancy test and couldn’t bare to look at it, and then he came into our bedroom beaming, revealing the pink lines on the positive test. I yelled "You lied to me!" and then the hot tears began to roll down my cheeks.

Four weeks prior to this I had started reading the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." We had decided to go off of the birth control pill and take more of a natural approach, as the pill gave me a lot of side effects. My husband had been out of town on a work trip and came home and asked "Are we good?" at that point I had just barely gotten into the book yet, so I shrugged and said "I think so?" The next day I decided to take some time and get into this book to understand the methods more and how it worked, when I came across a testing area on a page and that's when I knew. "No, no,no,no, this can't be happening!" I said feeling panicked. Brandon looked up at me from the newspaper and asks "What are you talking about?" "I'm pregnant, it says it all here. The signs. The tests. I'm sure of it, I'm pregnant." Brandon laughed at me and said "There's no way that you can know that from the next day. No, you are not pregnant. Relax you'll see it will be fine." "Fine for you, you're not the one pregnant and now having to wait weeks on end to find out for sure."

I never thought I’d battle the feelings of not wanting to be expecting a baby or not being excited, but here I was facing all of those feelings. I found myself with a lot of jumbled emotions, mixed with guilt for feeling sadness and not joy. Pregnancy was never an easy thing for this petite body. You pretty much whisper that I'm pregnant and BAM! the bump of a woman that looks like she should be around 3 months pregnant, but actually just weeks along appears, not to mention the unrelenting days of nausea. I decided that retail therapy was in order and clothes that would hide my bump for a bit and make me feel excited was a desperate need that needed to be fulfilled ASAP.

After taking the home pregnancy test, I booked an appointment to confirm it with my family doctor. I had explained the situation and then burst into tears telling her where my heart was. I've had my family doctor ever since I was a little girl and so she knows my values and beliefs well. She looked at me and said "I know that you believe in something greater and I believe that this baby is for a reason and is special." I held onto every single one of her words from that day on. They became a mantra of some sorts that brought comfort and helped my heart to be okay with the situation.

It was now November and my youngest sister had just gotten her first place out from under the nest. She was excited and invited me and the girls over for a visit. I remember feeling a little morning sickness that day and wore my comfy clothes, with a cute jacket on so noone could get a glimpse of my frumpy-ness as I drove downtown. I was at this intersection with a green light but had to yield to all of the oncoming traffic before I could take my left turn, that's when it all happened. I hit my steering wheel and then back into my chair and my 5 year old daughter screamed "Momma, what was that? I'm scared." I whipped my head back to check to see if my girls were smooshed or okay and then I turned back and slammed my hand on the wheel. I angrily replied "We just got hit!" I made my turn and then immediately pulled over infront of the local sports store and fumbled for my cell phone. I felt so shaky and couldn't think hard enough to dial my husbands phone number and got out of the vehicle to check out the damages. I thought for sure the whole back end would be irreparable and a right off but to my surprise and relief there was just a screw hole mark into the car from the SUV license plate that had just rear ended me. Thankfully the woman that hit me, had pulled in behind me and got out to talk. She was so sweet and repeatedly apologized. "I'm so sorry, I was distracted and didn't even see you." She said. I then told her "It's okay. As long as everyone is okay that's all that matters. I'm okay, you're okay and my girls are okay." "Your girls? Oh my Gosh, I'm such a jerk. You have kids in there?" I told her that I had two little girls and again she apologized. She gave me her insurance information and personal cell phone and told me if you need ANYTHING please let me know.

The only picture I have being pregnant with my third.

I got back in my car, called my husband and crumbled on the phone as I walked him through what had happened. He told me to wait where I was and he would be on his way to check on the car and us. As I sat there waiting for him, everything from my mid back up started to burn. When he arrived, we drove down to the car insurance place to talk to someone about what to do next. We were given a card and told to phone the number. I called and explained everything, because I had never been in an accident before I figured these people would be the best ones to ask what to do next. I come from a family where you only go to the doctors when you ABSOLUTELY have to, but before that you try to deal with things at home. The insurance rep explained that my burning back pain could last up to 10 days but would probably settle down. They also said that they weren't doctors and if I felt that I needed to go to the hospital, than to go. I thought I'd take the advice and give it the 10 days and see how I felt after that.

The next day my 5 year old daughter came into my bedroom crying and complaining of her neck and legs. I immediately knew that we should see a doctor. My family doctor was out of town but the on call doctor was able to see us. I discretely told him that I was pregnant, as we hadn't told the girls yet. He looked both me and the girls over and told me that I had whiplash and that my older daughter would be okay but was experiencing pain because of the four point harness car seat that she was sitting in during the accident. He handed me a doctors note for topical cream and sent us on our way.

I had called my older sister and explained this whole pregnancy situation and how my heart was having such a hard time with it still. The frustration that I had felt with myself and the heavy guilt I felt. She explained that telling people about it helps. And so that's just what we did. I had my older daughter call up family members and tell them in hopes the reality of the whole situation would catch up with my heart and the joy would come. Thankfully it worked!

A few weeks had gone by, I had religiously used the prescribed topical cream which gave no relief and the pain was now worse. My body was constantly betraying me without me knowing why. There was so much pain going on in my body that I couldn't quite put my finger on where it hurt or where it was coming from. There were many sleepless nights of me pacing the floors because of the pain. I remember doing laps around my kitchen island because to stop moving, meant that the pain would settle in more and would get louder. The irritability that I was experiencing was so high because of this pain. My family became innocent bystanders that when they'd ask me a question or make noise, mixed with high pain, I just couldn't handle it and I'd lash out in anger and frustration, with a quick I'm so sorry! The guilt, frustration and shame I felt losing it on my undeserving family was so hard to bare.

I tried making dinner and just trying to cut vegetables up or stir a pot felt impossible. My back would go into spasms where it felt like my ribs in my back were jarring into one another, my pelvis and legs would be ringing with this dull ache, my neck and shoulders felt like they were on fire. This one day I was trying to grab something out of a kitchen drawer when all of a sudden my legs gave way and it felt like the wind had gotten knocked out of me. I knew something wasn't right and so back to the doctors I went.

I went and saw my family doctor and told her the whole ordeal about the rear end and these weird symptoms that I was experiencing. She said "Would you like to go for a massage?" I perked up thinking to myself, yes something relaxing and soothing, sign me up! At this point, I would get weekly check up phone calls from the car insurance company. It would always start off as a nice how are you doing kind of thing but by the end of the conversation, I'd be left feeling like I should be better and made to feel bad for getting in the accident. They were so honed in on my pregnancy it became irritating. I had gotten approval from them to get a massage, but there were requirements and specific things that I had to look for. I didn't realize how in demand Registered Massage Therapists were and I called around and struggled finding someone that was available to help me. I finally found someone and was all booked and ready to go but before I even got the chance to go to the appointment, I got another phone call from the car insurance company saying " Oh yes, we also wanted you to know that the name of the business with the RMT can not have the word "spa" in it, if it does, we won't cover you." It was so frustrating because I tirelessly called around before and had FINALLY found an RMT but it had "spa" in the name and so I was back to the drawing board. I just was desperate for someone to take me and so I called around again and made it clear that I would be available for the cancellation list because I needed it so bad. To my excitement, I was in!

The only massage experience that I had, had up to that point was one couples massage that my husband had surprised me with on an anniversary. I figured the same experience would be what was in order for my body and I'd be good as new. I had to fill out the intake form and explain all of the whole ordeal over yet again and mark out on the body chart where the pain spots were. I sat down and had a consult with the therapist and she made me feel confident that I'd likely need a couple of massages and I'd be good as new. She started the massage but much to my surprise, every inch of my body hurt and ached in areas that my brain hadn't put the attention to. I tried so hard to hold back the painful tears and just wanted her to dig in to get the pain out but i couldn't and the sobbing turned into ugly crying. It was embarrassing, I felt like such a wuss. I should be able to handle this, I just got a bump, there was no damage to the car really, these were things that whirled around in my mind. After the massage, she looked at me and said that she felt that there was a lot more going on here and that I'd need a lot more than a few massages.

A few weeks had gone by and I woke up to some spotting. I called my husband at work a little concerned about the baby and let him know that I was going to go see my doctor to make sure everything was okay. She listened and listened and couldn't find a heartbeat and said that I shouldn't jump to any conclusions but that an ultrasound was needed. My husband left work and came to the hospital with me to get the ultrasound. I had texted my older sister to let her know what was happening and she encouraged me that a friend of hers went through the same situation but had a good outcome, which brought relief to my worried heart.

I lay there on the bed as the young ultrasound tech squirt the cold jelly solution onto my belly. I anxiously held my husbands hand as she glided the wand across my belly. It was quiet for a bit and I just kept on hearing clicking from her typing on the computer, she then turned the screen to me and said "I'm so sorry but I wasn't able to find a heartbeat. Your baby made it to 7 weeks 6 days old." It was a blur and because of my unique situation on how we came about getting pregnant, my dates were off but I know that I was somewhere between 10 - 13 weeks pregnant at this time. I lay there shocked, like all of the air from the room was sucked out from it. She went and got the doctor to look over my scan to confirm what she had already explained to me. The doctor came in and restated the facts and then noticed our last name. "Oh, I know some Wiebe's, maybe you know the same ones as I do." He went on chatting with my husband about these silly facts about who we were connected to. I remember giving a half smile, trying to be polite but the thought that this baby was supposed to be special and was for a reason rang in my thoughts and tears started to roll down my cheeks. The doctor then noticed this and wished us well and that was that. My goal at this point was to make it to the vehicle where I could privately let myself go. We turned the corner from the long hallway and that's when my body crumbled against the hospital wall into a puddle of tears, Brandon caught me and held me as I let out this deep cry of sorrow.


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