Jaded

"Keana, Keana, wake up," I heard this gentle far off voice and a hand on my leg gently waking me and then all of a sudden in my grogginess, a tube was getting pulled out of my throat and I instinctively coughed. I slowly opened my eyes and I felt really foggy and weird. I finally was able to focus in on her voice. The gynecologist sat beside me and told me that the procedure went really well but that she came across all of these red raised bumps internally and thought that they were maybe inflamed nerves. She said, "Maybe this it, maybe this is why you've been in so much pain. I've never seen these before and sent the biopsies away and am really curious as to what these red bumps are. I also removed the lining of your cervix. It was really abnormal looking, but don't worry it will grow back a fresh new one."

I had texted Brandon to come and get me. They wheeled me out in a wheelchair. My stomach looked like I was nine months pregnant. It was so sore and swollen. I was given a small prescription of pain meds to help carry me through for a couple days and then was told that I'd need to go get checked over by my family doctor and get another refill. We stayed another night in Vancouver, at a hotel, because it would've been too much to go home right afterwards. I had researched and asked so many questions to other women that had gone through this procedure and thought that I was prepared. I was surprised at how sore I was and it scared my girls a bit. They started to cry, seeing me struggle with the pain and how I needed help turning over in bed and getting up to use the bathroom.

We had only been going to our church for six months at this point and were overwhelmed with the love and support from people that we were just getting to know and some we didn't know at all. They supported us with two weeks worth of meals, which was such a huge blessing. My older sister also gave us a big meal and some thoughtful gifts, along with my younger sister, which helped make a hard situation, feel a little less scary having their support. I had just made a new friend that lived up the road from us. We had only been friends for maybe three months and she told me, "Are you ready for my bulldozer of love?" She brought us multiple meals and treats and gifts. Another new friend, also provided meals and checked in on me and was my prayer warrior, which helped lift my spirits and made me feel so surrounded in love. Friends back home checked in on me and covered me with prayers as well. I was just blown away with how much we were taken care of because of moving to a new place and having fresh, really new friendships. It's in these times where the worry kind of hit me with not being in the familiar and comfortable. God knew what we needed and He provided.

My recovery time took a lot longer than I expected. I thought I'd be back to my normal self within a week but it was more like four weeks until I was feeling better. As the weeks went on, I was hyper focused on seeing if any of my pain had changed. It then turned into a couple of months, but no change had happened. I thought, "Maybe I just need some more time and then I'll be all good."

We had to go back to Vancouver to have a check up and get the final results of what the red bumps were and if I really did have Endometriosis or not. My internal exam was a lot less painful which was nice but the back pain, pain in my legs, neck and nerve pain throughout and all of the other things that I experienced were still there. "I'm still in a lot of pain. Is this Endometriosis or is this something separate?" I asked the gynecologist. "I've cut all of the Endometriosis all out. You've got two separate things going on with your body. You've been at this a long time haven't you? I've got some ideas about it. Put your clothes back on and I'll call your husband in and talk to you both about it." I got kind of excited at the thought of her having some sort of plan for me.

"Your biopsies came back and you tested positive for Endometriosis. Here are the photos," She said. "Okay, I'm super curious about the red bumps that you told me about. What were they?" I asked her. She went and repeated herself about the Endometriosis. I thought maybe I'm just not understanding her or maybe she's just not understanding me, so I asked her again but she repeated the same spiel. I figured from that, she just didn't know. She then looked at me and said, "Sweetie, you've been at this a really long time and you're jaded from it all. It's time for you to surrender to the pain and I've got some resources for you to get you into the pain program." I was taken back by her words and frankly felt angry that she'd just given up on me. I couldn't shake the thought of Si Joint Dysfunction from all that time ago (https://www.petiteflower.net/post/__mri). My lawyers had told me to keep that to myself because they thought it was silly that it was something that I had googled and I had already seen the specialist and his gut had told him it wasn't. But here I was with a specialist that had the world of resources of people that could potentially help me and I wasn't willing to give up. "Have you heard of Si Joint Dysfunction?" I asked her. "Yes I have, and you most definitely have that, but you're not hearing me. You're done." "Could you please give me a name of a doctor that could help me with the Si Joint Dysfunction stuff?" I asked her. She went back around about the pain clinic and handed me a pamphlet. "These drugs though, for the Endometriosis, they don't make me feel well and I don't get a period anymore and I don't feel like it's healthy. I don't want to be on them forever and I wanted to have more kids." I told her. "Oh good, you don't get a period anymore. Those drugs are really working well for you. You need to stay on them. My suggestion to you is to stay on them until you hit menopause. I'm sorry to say but your days for having more babies is over too. I highly advise against it, your body just can't handle it." She said. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer and just bawled hearing the reality of her words. It was like this massive blow to my heart. I felt like someone took a hard object and impaled my chest with it. I begged her repeatedly to give me a name of a doctor that could help me and it just went round and round. She told me that if I wanted, I was welcome to come to the pain clinic at her facility but thought it would be easier to get plugged in somewhere on the island.

I can't even express in words what that appointment felt like. I felt like there were resources and doctors that were almost in my grasp that could give me solid help but they were selfishly held back from me. I think the most frustrating part was her admitting to me that she really did feel that I had Si Joint Dysfunction but because of her own personal opinions, she told me to give up and surrender to the pain and suffering. This is my body, my life, and I'm the one that has to live like this every single day, 24/7. I feel like when I'm ready to call it quits on myself, I will, but until then I will fight for myself until I decide to throw in the towel. The huge wave of grief of being told that I'm no longer able to have kids was more than what my heart could handle in the moment.

I had to follow through with what the gynecologist suggested. I talked it over the nurse practitioner and she had to send in all of the paper work to the local pain clinic and then it was the big waiting game for when I would get accepted. In the mean time, I decided that since I wasn't getting any better and two years before all of this, the specialist at the private clinic told me that if I wasn't doing any better within a year or so, to contact him. I contacted his office and told them that I wanted a diagnostic injection into my right si joint. I just needed to put my own gut feelings to rest, as to what I felt like was going on and needed to completely rule out that idea. Especially, since the gynecologist agreed with me. I just needed to know.