I reached the point where the need for being closer to better and more available medical options was high priority. All of the practitioners that I had seen locally, all became dead ends, and they didn't know what was going on with my body after all of their efforts.
I pitched the idea of seeing a specialized pelvic floor physiotherapist in Victoria, to my family doctor and she agreed. We knew at this point that we needed to relocate somewhere and decided to take the opportunity of exploring the island, at the same time as starting with this new physiotherapist. I had always dreamt of living on the island but Brandon had made it very clear that he did not share those same dreams and that he would never live on an island.
When we arrived on the island, Brandon had a meet and greet with the CEO of an airport and got hired on the spot! There was a lot that came from this trip but confirmation of where we were supposed to live was made very clear and once we got home, we worked hard on slowly downsizing and preparing to sell the house.
It was now nearing Christmas, I missed a few phone calls and played a message on my phone that sounded very panicked and upset. I found out that my youngest sister had been in a serious car accident. My heart dropped. We didn't live in the same town and she was over sixteen hours away from where I lived. Thankfully my two other sisters lived close by and soon my parents were on the next flight out to be with her. I struggled really hard that I couldn't go and be with my sister and rest of my family. With my limitations and pain, I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it and so I had to stay put. It was one of the hardest and helpless feelings that I felt. I got updates by text and phone calls, but this one particular phone call was of my mom waling and telling me that they weren't sure if my sister was going to make it. I heavily paced the floors over and over and prayed over and over "No God, no, please don't take her. Please help her to be okay." I couldn't stop moving. Pacing the floors was like this soothing motion which at the same time raged war against my body. I ached all over but I couldn't stop. The thought of losing my baby sister was devastating. Happy memories of her kept popping into my mind and I couldn't help thinking, " Did she even know how much I loved her? What if she didn't know?" She was bleeding internally and they couldn't find where it was coming from. There were many moments of uncertainty throughout this time, but thankfully things finally started to settle. She had broken her pelvis so severely that they had to put screws throughout to hold it together, she had broken both of her collar bones and had other injuries, but she was stable. Thank you Lord!
A lot of hardships had been going on for a very long time in my life but even more so our marriage had hit a really rough patch. Health issues really rock your relationships. It's not easy for your spouse to see you in daily pain, feeling helpless and at the same time not fully understanding the pain either. The unknowns that you live in on a daily basis, the ups and downs, and the days that were a little bit better than the day before, can change in an instant. It's very confusing and frustrating especially when you don't have a concrete diagnosis. The person and the things that you used to do regularly are now the things of the past, and yet with no answer you keep fighting to sort out the missing piece of the puzzle. The "for better or worse" vows that you spoke at your wedding day, seemed like a little gesture in the moment, but when the reality and weight of that hits, it's really difficult to navigate. I can't imagine what it feels like to be on the other side of this, the grief that my husband has had to walk through of what was and what was supposed to be. The financial burden of trying to provide for the treatments, medications and tools to try and help give me relief. The extra duties that now fell into his lap because I can't carry them out anymore. When you suffer in pain for so long, anger, frustration and irritability come out, the deep sadness and the drive to keep going get harder, and now your spouse is also trying to bring the comfort and strength to help carry you through.
This move felt like a fresh start, a rejuvenation of some sorts. It was not only what my body needed but what my marriage needed. There were moments when I got scared thinking about living outside of what was comfortable and easy, but God opened doors and walked us through one step at a time. At one point, though, it felt like this massive leap of faith that we had to take without fully having all of the plans in order.
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